I am afraid of a few things. Snakes for sure. Failure for sure. And most recently I realized I have spent much of my life desperately afraid of forgetting things. I’m knee deep (and 26 days in) to my “100 Items” challenge and while there has been a fair amount of stuff moving out of my life, it is hard to ignore the prevalence of things I’ve kept as markers of memories.
My daughter just turned 21 and I found myself flipping through a binder of schoolwork I saved from when she was in first and second grade. This included a few gems of her personal free writing and also the far less inspiring math worksheets and spelling practice sheets. It was as I sat there with a 16 year old math worksheet that the question bubbled up – did I keep this as proof that she learned math in first grade? Clearly (to me) I was so afraid I would forget my offspring learned how to add that I took the time to save the worksheet. Was that fear valid or a marker of something else? Most likely the second.
I have so many questions for myself. As I mentioned in the Day 26 write up from 100 Things, I have many (many many) paper items from more recent times and from decades ago. Things I once thought were so important that I cut them out of magazines and placed them behind the magnetic pages of photo albums. Craft ideas, cleaning tips, holiday decorating, and deep thoughts on pretty backgrounds fill 3-ring binders stacked on shelves. And yet as I flipped though them, nothing was particularly noteworthy. What was important, I know without having to reference back to the piece of paper.
I’m not feeling as afraid as I once was of forgetting. I’m afraid now of not being able to enjoy the wonders hiding in these collections. I’m afraid of losing the 5 or 10 treasures that are buried in the collection of a thousand decoys.
This is most present in my pictures, both the ridiculous numbers I’ve already taken and in how I take them. When I take a picture, am I super present to what’s happening or am I trying to capture a moment for later? I’m afraid that I’m stepping out of cherishing this moment when I’m viewing life through a small screen and wondering what it might look like with musical accompaniment and editing. I’ll never not take photos, but yoga is doing its work on me and I’m feeling more mindful about it. Can I truly be present to the sunset and take 400 pictures of it? Maybe. Maybe I’m more present in some ways when the camera helps me track the tiny differences from second to second. And maybe sometimes It’s okay to simply let my eyes watch the sun go down.
With maybe just one or two pictures… in case I forget how beautiful sunsets can be. (The one at the top was January of this year).